Last night Sweet Girl decided that she was mad at me for asking her to do a chore. Then she decided that hitting her little sister would be a good strategy for letting me know she was mad. This is new behavior for SG.
So this is my very unprofessional interpretation of why this happened: I have been hit, kicked, bit, scratched, spit on, and cussed at so many times in the last 2 years that it really doesn't get any reaction from me anymore. BUT SG "needs" that reaction. She's seeks it out because when she is able to get Mom (or Dad) to react emotionally she feels powerful. She is addicted to that feeling so when she doesn't get the desired reaction she "takes it up a notch". And that is why she hit Nik Nak. Nik Nak wasn't hurt physically, but emotionally she was devastated. And it has been my experience that once SG does something once, it gets much easier for her to repeat the behavior the next time she is dysregulated. We covet your prayers for protection over our littles' bodies and hearts.
We are at a loss as to what to do next to help SG. We are organizing a night of prayer over our home. We have been impressed that a lot of what we are dealing with needs to be fought in the spiritual realm.
"For though we live in the body, we do not wage war in an unspiritual way, since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10
We also have a lead on a possible therapist. I (and hopefully my Knight in Shining Armor if he can get off work) will meet with her next Monday night. I am not getting my hopes up too high yet, we have had a lot of dead ends in the therapist department... but this one does look promising. She is trained in equine therapy and also in EMDR. We know that traditional "talk therapy" is all but useless in SG's situation... so we have been looking for someone with more tools in their toolbox. Pray with us that this will work out!!
If I am honest there have been moments of feeling hopeless and just wanting to give up. But I can't. I NEED to believe that God is going to show up, that He is going to redeem the years the locusts have eaten, and that He is going to get great glory from what looks like an impossible situation. I HAVE to believe. I STILL believe. Even if it takes many many years, just like it did for Joseph, I know that "What Satan means for evil, God means for good."
"Even when I (we) walk through the darkest valley, I (we)will not be afraid, for you are close beside me (us)." Psalm 23
"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're NOT demoralized; we're not sure what to do but we know God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken." 2 Corinthians 4
"Those who cling to worthless idols forsake faithful love... "
Kids from hard places often have lots of "worthless idols", things that they have a death grip on because they believe their very survival depends on it... it could be control, food, self-reliance, food, shame, food, negative beliefs and feelings, food. Yeah, food is a pretty obvious one around here...
And they prefer all of those idols to faithful love because... well... love is just plain dangerous.... why risk it?
But then I realized, my troubled child isn't the only one clinging to things that take her in the wrong direction, further away from God's best. It's me too. It's me saying to God, I don't want to
go to Ninevah show love and compassion to this child who calls me stupid and spits on me and throws things at my head. It's too hard, it's not worth it, there's no payback.
It's me! I'm no different than Jonah, or my precious daughter, clinging to my stubborn way, digging in my heels and saying I won't go. My idol. And suddenly I get it. Letting go of idols is hard and uncomfortable, and sacrificial. And you don't just let go once... it's a continual letting go. And I realize... if letting go is this hard for me, how much more difficult for a child who trusts NO ONE. Not a single human being and not God.
Jonah, didn't stop after the first part of that verse. He went on to say...
but as for me, I will sacrifice to You with a voice of thanksgiving. I will fulfill what I have vowed. Salvation is from the Lord!" Jonah 2:8-9
And so I, like Jonah, set my stubborn heart to do what I vowed, what God commands, because obedience brings blessing. I will do it Lord. I will obey... I will love, and leave the payback to You.
"But I will sing of Your strength and will joyfully proclaim Your faithful love in the morning. For You have been a stronghold for me, a refuge in my day of trouble." Psalm 59:16